remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
