you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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