My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Will exercising make me less horny?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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