I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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