this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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