Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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