so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
