3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
