I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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