If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
