i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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