The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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