I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
