I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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