who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
