Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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