Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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