I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
