i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
