please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
