cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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