Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im holly from the hills drunk
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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