I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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