I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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