Just cropdusted the office
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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