This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
