It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
