im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
