And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
