Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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