I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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