Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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