For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
