guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
