census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
