You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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