I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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