at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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