nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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