At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
