Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize