so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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