I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
