I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
