i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
