Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
