everyone is single if you try hard enough
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance