told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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