im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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