Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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