i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
