i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
