just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
