TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
