I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
