Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
