The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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